More Ranting about Youth Sports

First things first. I took a break. I needed it. Every time I sat down to write a post, I would get a few words down and then shut the computer in frustration. I couldn't say what I wanted to say, and I didn’t want to send you crap. So thank you for your patience and for opening this one. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time.

And now, listen. There are a lot of problems with the way we Americans are handling youth sports. Many people, both those smarter/better informed and dumber/less informed than me, have written millions of words on the topic. I’m not going to say anything new. At this point, we have to operate within the system we are given. All we can do is our best, and each family has to decide what that is for themselves. 

This weekend, I found a line. After 16+ hours at a swim meet, and looking ahead over the next few weekends to soccer games in another state for a 6-year-old, the line is hardening into a wall, and I don’t plan on climbing it anytime soon. 

The kid sport schedule cannot be allowed to change who I am as a person, as in, it cannot affect a dramatic change in my hobbies, interests, or friendships. 

Let me back up. Swimming is time consuming, and my boys are in different age groups, so their schedules are opposite right now, doubling our time spent at the pool. I brought my computer in hopes of doing some writing, and my computer never left my bag the whole weekend. I did bring a book and read with headphones in a bit, so that’s something. But this is a timeframe, a system, if you will, that I need to learn how to operate within. I’ll figure it out, but I’m not there yet. I want to see them swim and support them! But I also don’t want to sit in a hot pool facility for 8 hours, two days straight. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Also, yes, I signed the 6 year old for club soccer. That’s on me. The cute little team he was on in kindergarten was disbanding, and I followed the crowd. I recognize part of me knew this would happen. Operating within the systems we’re given, right? The controllable factor is my attitude. The club seems to expect that these 6 year olds are already wholeheartedly devoted to soccer and nothing else, another unreasonable expectation in my opinion. As a former soccer person, I can confirm that soccer people are nuts. 

We want our boys to have great experiences with these sports and want to support them if they’re willing to put in the work. All I’m saying is that youth sports are not going to become my personality. I will not be bragging about my kids’ accomplishments as if they’re my own. 

Here’s a trial for a new mantra: You are a great parent. Your kids love you. Now live your own life. 

Youth sports are supposed to be a learning environment. It’s supposed to be a safe place where kids can run and play and get into conflicts they can resolve on their own. They can learn how to listen to and show respect to a safe authority figure. They can work on gross motor coordination and executive functioning development. These are all amazing lessons, and hopefully the coaches are good and up to the task of teaching all of that. But honestly, if they’re not, it’s not terrible for a kid to learn how to navigate dealing with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, as long as the kid is safe, and it doesn’t become a total waste of time and money. 

Youth sports has become a machine, a money grab preying upon well-meaning parents. Rec sports are nearly nonexistent, and park district teams in our area can’t keep up with the coaching and coolness the clubs have to offer. The superior coaching is real, mainly because non-club coaches are usually parent volunteers. I don’t believe the people running the club my boy is on are evil or underhanded. I just know that this is how it’s done now. They’re trying to be competitive, and going backwards on this road is impossible.

And parents are just out here trying their best, so if a team says “clear your schedule and be ready for soccer on any weekend and maybe don’t make any other plans because you may need to drive to Indiana that day,” lots of those parents will say, “ok I guess this is what we do now.” 

I just can’t. 

I will not. 

I love my boys. Sometimes, I see pictures of them as babies, and I can’t help but tear up. Sometimes, I think of what they’ve been through, and it makes me hurt for them. Sometimes, I think about when they’re grown and will leave the house, and I hurt for me. 

Even so, I am a whole-ass person, outside of them. I like my friends, and sports, and baking, and singing, and dancing, and being alone outside, and and and… I don’t know when it became the norm to relinquish ourselves in the name of parenting. I know, I KNOW, they’re going to grow up and move on, and then I’ll be sad. I have heard that one. I’m going to be sad, regardless. I also know that if I am trapped in a pool or on a soccer sideline every weekend for the next 12 years, I will resent everyone. 

When the older one was a newborn, I joined a new mom’s group that the hospital offered. It was great and so helpful to be with other women going through the exact same thing at the exact same time. And it was interesting to hear other perspectives. One of the moms told me about how much she loved being pregnant, how she took such good care of herself and she was amazed at what her body could do. I, on the other hand, hated being pregnant. I already took good care of myself. I already knew how amazing my body could be, albeit in a different capacity. I think this is an extension of the same issue. 

Somewhere in the past decade, I’ve discovered confidence I didn’t have before. I like myself. I like the things I do. I like the life I have built so far. My kids are important to me, the most important, to be sure, but they are a large part of a whole. They can’t be my all. 

So while operating within this youth sports system, we will try to stretch the norm, push against its confines, and do what’s best for everyone in our family.